One by One, Day by Day

To say that this weekend has been overwhelming would be an understatement. This weekend, I received engagement news from a girl friend. It is also six months to the day of a devastating breakup, which I am still reeling from. As well as his birthday. And what would have been a monthly anniversary. All in all, a loaded weekend.

Lots of questions come to mind. With her, I wonder: When did our friendship end? Is this a friendship worth repairing? Was it on my end or hers? Why am I not genuinely happy for her? Does this make me a horrible person? With him, I wonder: Where did it go wrong? Was I trying too hard? Was it the right thing at the wrong time, or the wrong thing altogether? Should I wish him a happy birthday? How is he feeling about it all? Do I ever cross his mind? And with myself, I wonder: What should I do? When will it be my turn? And with who? Unanswered questions really, at least at this point in time.

Sometimes I simply wonder if I’m doing “the right thing.” But I firmly believe that in these situations, there is never a right or a wrong; there is only what feels right. Right now, it still feels like I’m driving in a mist of fog; what’s ahead of me seems alarmingly unclear, and what’s behind me makes me second guess myself. I’ve defaulted to being present in what I can control, and letting Go(d) in what I cannot. It just feels right.

Best,
Phoebe

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